Smeg

50 things to do in church

2006-05-30T12:25:24Z

1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".

3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.

4.Un-tune the piano.

5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".

6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.

7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"

8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.

9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"

10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.

11.Start a wave.

12.Do cool things with the lighting.

13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".

14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.

15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another SONG?"

16.Make up your own words to the songs.

17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.

18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.

19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"

20.Dress all in black, or in camo.

21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.

22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.

23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an image of Jesus.

24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.

25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.

26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.

27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.

28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write exceptions at the bottom of the page.

29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.

30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.

31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."

32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.

33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.

34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.

35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.

36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.

37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"

38.Blow bubbles.

39.Fake a possession.

40.Distribute condoms.

41.Speak in tongues.

42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.

43.Drool in the collection plate.

44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.

45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.

46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".

47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.

48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.

49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday
at midnight.

some of these aren't funny but aw well!!

smegrock_dance @ 2006-01-21T23:53:00

2006-01-21T23:57:51Z

Yes, its Shannon again, re-vamping Smegs Journal as i do every late night when i get bored. I use this thing more than she does.

Signing off...

quizzes

2006-01-03T17:43:21Z

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<img src="http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y291/haw_ti/mcr/normal_rocksound1.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"> <font face="Courier New"><font color="#CC0033">You are "Give 'Em Hell, Kid" by My Chemical Romance! You're loud, aggressive and you tell it how it is. If you haven't heard this song I suggest you get it! Oh baby here comes the sound! I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine. This is how we like to do it in the murder scene. Can we settle up the score? If you were here I'd never have a fear. So go on live your life. But I miss you more than I did yesterday. You're beautiful! Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day. Like the firing squad or the mess you made. Well don't I look pretty walking down the street. In the best damn dress I own? If you were here I'd never have a fear. So go on live your life. But I miss you more than I did yesterday. You're so far away. So c'mon show me how. 'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say. Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say We are young and we don't care. Your dreams and your hopeless hair. We never wanted it to be this way. For all our lives. Do you care {at all}? If you were here I'd never have a fear. So go on live your life. But I miss you more than I did yesterday. You're so far away. So c'mon show me how. 'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say. (Won't you tell me?) (Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy)

hilary duff gay!

2006-01-03T17:25:32Z

who here hates hilary duff grr she got me angry

hey

2005-12-28T18:57:15Z

hmmm im bored i hav a big secret to tell u all shannon is ... (its so sad) ... related to me! lol im not funny
reading fanfic it so classy

smegrock_dance @ 2005-10-21T14:13:00

2005-10-21T13:27:48Z

Shannon: w00t~! les corpse bride ist out today!!! ich are parle-ing in teh different languages!! cuz i am crazy... we are going to sneak into the movies becuase of our joint skint-ness and listen to johnnys voice YAY! shannon is currently inwardly miserable and outwardly happy :S weirdo is me, yesssssssssss....... fuck YODA!! weirdo is me, indeed child, much you must learn... blah, blah, balh... its fun 2 type without thinking about what comes next, its like eating a banana without tkaing the skin off, i dunn o y but it is, im also refusing to use backspace for this whole post cuz im so cool like that. paddy has no vodka and i hates him, im ain int get pissed ammoood (-am) stupid backspace rule, anyway, ive rambled on incoherently for liong enough, tis le smegs turn...

Smeg: oh yeah shannon looks like a chick chick chicken whan she hiccups. im going 2 wrt a sntnc wthouy using backspec shannon dakmnces really funny muahahahahaqhahahahashahahaha

SAhannon: Lol, the monitor is currently turned off so i acnt see what im writing and also it is dark in this room so i ant really see the keyboard either. noiw this is what happens when Shannon is left in the house with a younger, impressionable person, we both go FUCKING INSNEA, I know thats wrong, ahewm... FUCKING INSANE. there i think thats better, ok, im gonna turn the monitor back on now, p.s. smeg really does fancy dave (LOL) I DUNNO ....FUCK THAT, SHE DOES.AND SHE CANT USE BACKSPACE CUZ SHES NOT ALLOWED.

Smeg: shannon- c'est horrible sweinhundshizakopf drn hr drn hr 2 hck.

Shannon: what. the. fuck was i thinking, end of weird, joint post...

smegrock_dance @ 2005-10-15T19:04:00

2005-10-15T18:08:12Z

this is smeg i swear... i fancy wee dave i swear... i saw a pic of him on shannons phone and fell in love... i swear... :P

its so stupid of her to tell me her password and so so so stupid for her to tell me shit like who she thinks is sexy...

Yay quizzes!

2005-09-21T17:58:37Z

HASH(0x8424e40)

What guitar are you?
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WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

2005-07-29T13:36:20Z

HEHE, I HAVE HI-JACKED SMEGS JOURNAL!!! I AM NOT SMEG!!! I AM SHANNON!!! RRRRRRRRR!!! IM AM FEELING INSANE!!! YAY!!!

SMEG LIKES LESBIAN HENTAI AND KINKY HARRY POTTER PORN!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! AND GODZILLA!!!

quizzes!!! yay

2005-07-27T17:08:34Z

Your easy-going personality is best represented by
the bow and arrow. You probably dont like the
spotlight too much, and would much rather be
backstage making sure everything is working
right. You have a cool, level head and a broad
perspective on life. This combination makes
you an excellent advice-giver.

What sort of Weapon best Represents your Personality? (anime pics!)
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Your element is Light. Your heart is pure and
shining with love. You believe in the goodness
of those around you and give almost everyone a
smile. You are not the kind to hide your
happiness and tend to smile all day long, both
in and out. But when sadness hits you, you
become very devastated and may be upset for
quite some time. What you need in your life is
friends, friends who will love you
unconditionally, like you love them. But you
have a naive nature and don't always notice
when someone is trying to hurt you. Some would
say you are oblivious to mean people, which
makes you an easy target. However, your true
friends will probably be there for you and save
you. In school you are either the popular one
or the little weird one. It all depends if
"the higher people" find your caring
side irritating or not. Nevertheless, you have
a bubbly personality and are social. Big partys
may not be your thing since you want bonding
time with your friends, so slumber-partys fit
you more. You like the happy things in life and
like everyone else to be as happy as you are.
Rate and message!

What is your element? [with pics + 7 outcomes + detailed answeres!]
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Babysitting!!!

2005-07-26T13:01:59Z

Had to babysit cousins, sucked! could hav been doing much better things !!! DIDNT GET PAID!!!!!!!! GRR!

yay, quiz

2005-07-25T16:41:16Z

Poser

What Kind Of Person Are You?
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Hi im smeg

2005-07-25T15:19:03Z

well heres a little quiz for ya well actually its the result s to the quiz i took! go ahead and take it its funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!
*heeheehee i got snape heeheehee*

Which Marauder Would You... You know! -snicker-
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
The Marauder...	Snape(Sorry!)
Where...	Forbidden Forest(oh HOT!)
How it Was...	gentle...but pleasurable
What Happened after...	Doing homework...not the fun kind!

This fun quiz by obsessed_chris - Taken 62 Times. </a>